


If Found, Volume Four - Again  [Ver. Prose]

by Himi (greighish)



Series: If Found [4]
Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-08-12
Packaged: 2018-08-16 18:17:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,525
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8112448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greighish/pseuds/Himi
Summary: After unwittingly playing into Kiyoshi's plan, Kagami and Kise find themselves back where it all began. Will the house be able to shed light on Kise's past or will it forever remain in the dark?





	1. Author's Note

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote v01 and v02 in my preferred hybrid style, but when I finished v02, I immediately wanted to try reformatting the story into prose. So, that's what this is. If you give this a chance, thanx! If you've read the original version and decide to read this version, too, please left me know how you think the two compare. Thanx for that as well.
> 
> About the series. I decided to just add this to the existing series because I don't want to lose the comments, so once you hit a title does not included "[Ver. Prose]", you'll be looking at the hybrid version.
> 
> ====
> 
> If Found is a 4-volume story. Each volume will be a separate part in this series. The story, **Volume One** , in particular, is told in reference to three points in time: the past - Before (the letter); the letter; and the present - After (the letter)
> 
> Unlike the previous volumes, this was written in prose rather than being initially written in the hybrid and then being converted. Also unlike the previous volumes, this will post chapter by chapter rather than as a whole volume.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, but as I promised some of you, I did not abandon this. I didn't want to post until I knew I could give it the attention it deserved. To that end, I've rewritten the first chapter. It's not completely different, but the original kind missed a few steps, so I wanted to fix that so I could go forward. So, do me a favor and reread chapter one, which is now chapter two (A Half-Remembered Dream). 
> 
> Just a heads up: The chapters are going to be shorter, but by the end, the word count will be on par with the previous volumes.
> 
> Thanx for sticking around or if you're finding this for the first time, thanx for checking this out.

Please click below to start reading the first chapter.


	2. C01: A Half-Remembered Dream

A chill went up Kise's spine as they stood on the pavement in front of a Contemporary two-story, two-car garage home. Riding up the street to reach it, he had to shield his eyes from the sun bouncing off the bright white and yellow houses, so he was both surprised and relieved when the one the taxi stopped in front of was a light industrial gray. Utilitarian. It was very much like Kagami.

"D-Does it...look familiar?" Kagami asked as he adjusted the bag on his shoulder.

Kise turned this way and that. A part of him was hoping to find a directory map with a star tagged: You are here. As if. He didn't remember much about the L.A. area, but he knew that even small homes could break the bank and the ones on this block, even with their unassuming facades, clean lines, and modest footprints, echoed at least six trailing zeros. "Where are we?"

"Uh... Santa Monica, west of L.A.?"

"No, I mean, yes, but like, which neighborhood are we in?"

"Oh. NoMo. Between Pacific Palisades and Montana. We're closer to Pacific Palisades, though."

His jaw hung slack and his breath refused to be exhaled. Kise's mind whirled as he looked at Kagami like he'd just appeared in front of him out of thin air. Did he know this guy?

Kagami's head tilted to the side. He was trying to figure what was going on with Kise. Was he in shock? "Come on, let's go in." When Kise didn't move, Kagami looked closer. _Is this guy breathing?_  Momentarily failing at all levels of delicacy, he whacked Kise on the back. "You alright there?"

Like the return of power after a brief outage, every one of Kise's functions resumed and he coughed out the arrested breath. "Isn't that expensive?!"

Seeing that Kise still had life in him, Kagami ignored his question and headed toward the walk at the side of the house.

Not wanting to be left behind in this...unfamiliar place, Kise jogged to catch up to Kagami, pulling his bag behind him. They rounded the corner to a patio and an empty pool. "Kagami, are you rich?"

"Compared to who?"

"Huh?"

"I'm pretty sure you have more money than I do."

Kise stared, unsure what to do with that information. He'd worked as a model from the time he was in high school until his late twenties. He never bought any property and he worked too much to have time to spend any of his income on leisure, so he had a pretty tidy sum in the bank. Even fronting the costs of the inn's renovations didn't put any serious kind of dent in his funds, but he hadn't worked for nearly 10 years at this point. On the other hand, Kagami owned the place they were staying at--still paying property taxes on it--and one third of the building the bar was in. He heard that Kagami moved to Roppongi when he returned to Japan and would have opened the bar there, but Mitobe and Kiyoshi preferred the slightly less expensive Tokyo Bay area. And the guy was still working. There's no way Kagami had less money than him. "I can't see how that's possible."

"Why does it matter?"

Kise paused. He couldn't answer--it just kind of came as a shock. Their lives in Tokyo just seemed so normal that seeing Kagami at home in the midst of this sort of understated yet gleaming place kind of threw him off. "Uhm... I guess it doesn't."

"Is it the heat or just being back here that's making you all weird?" Kagami asked as he keyed the entry code and the door's locking system disengaged.

Kise itched. There was a thought, a feeling, a...something...just out of his reach. The chill from earlier returned as the door yawned open before him. Incomplete and disquieting memories stirred at the edges of his mind.

Kagami held the door open.

After a 4-hour delay and a 12-hour flight, Kise was exhausted and rather bitter that Kagami didn't seem affected. He wanted nothing more than to lie down for a month, but charging into his past wasn't something he was too keen on at the moment. "...You first."

Once they were in, Kagami closed the door behind them, kick off his sneaks, and headed straight for the stairs. "Wait here." He advanced, but was stalled by a pull at the hem of his shirt. He looked back. "Yeah?"

"Where are you going?"

"I'm just tossing my bags in my room; I'll be right back."

"...Okay," Kise said, still holding onto Kagami's shirt.

Kagami cut his eyes to the bottom of his shirt and then back up to Kise. "You wanna...?"

"Oh, yeah, sorry."

Kagami snickered. "It's cool. I'll be right back."

Kise looked around. It felt familiar, but not personally, more like something he remembered from a TV series. The stairs and hall to his left did even less for him.

"Hey, you okay?" Seeing Kise exactly where he left him was worrying. Not that he assumed he'd go dashing through the house, but he hadn't even remove his shoes or loosened his grip on his bag. "You know, we don't have to stay here if it makes you uncomfortable."

"I'm not...really-- Huh? Why would you go if I'm the--"

"There is no way I'm letting you out of my sight."

When Kagami said things like that, it was hard for Kise not to be reminded how the mess they were in undoubtedly spread far and wide; nothing, not even the little things that were often taken for granted seemed to have gone untouched. Kise could only hope that they could find a way out. "Um...here is okay."

"Sure?"

"Hm," Kise hummed with a brief nod.

"Okay." Kagami held his hands out. "Bags."

Kise handed over his carry-on and wheeled his rolling luggage closer to Kagami. When he looked up Kagami was staring at him. He couldn't tell what the look meant, but he'd never seen it before.

When Kagami saw that Kise was staring back at him, his eyes darted towards the floor and he cleared his throat. "Shoes."

Kise looked down. He slipped out of his loafers, nudged them closer to the shoe tray that served in lieu of a genkan, and returned his attention to Kagami. The look was back. Kise raised his brow in question.

"This way." Kagami led Kise up the stairs and down the left hall to the first door. The door swung open with a gentle push. He put Kise's bags on the floor near the closet and stepped aside so that Kise could enter. Anxiety nudged him, but he didn't want to overwhelm Kise. "I'll, uh, let you get settled. I'll be in my room if you need me. It's down the hall. If I'm sleep, just wake me."

"Um...okay. Thanks."

Kagami walked out and closed the door behind him, a long-forgotten courtesy for Kise who would always keep his door shut. He stood there with his hand still on the knob. So many things ran through his head. He wanted Kise to remember already. Honestly, he'd loved their life and was devastated when Kise left, but he didn't want Kise to remember so that things could go back to the way they were. It was obvious to him now that their situation wasn't as great for Kise, so returning to the past would be pointless. He just wanted that understanding, that closeness they had, that thing between them that it took him too long to recognize as love--a romantic love--he just wanted that back. Before walking away, Kagami leaned close to the door to whisper, "Welcome home."

* * *

Kise hadn't actually thought this far. When he heard that Kagami still owned the place and was going to stay there, the only thing that occurred to him was simply seeing it, and it was a vague notion at that. But now that he was here, he didn't know what to do. It was a fairly large room with a bathroom en suite. Kagami said that everything was the way he left it. A bed, a TV and bench, a console table with a ladder-back chair,  a grey winged-back chair in the corner, and a walk-in closet that ran the length of the room. Again, a sense of familiarity, but not on a personal level.

Kise opened the french doors of the closet and jumped back as if he was expecting genuine skeletons to fall out. When nothing stirred, he leaned against the door frame and eased his head in. After a quick look around, he dipped back out, removed his socks, and then stepped back in onto the plush gray carpet with fuchsia banding around the edges. _Hmm..._  There was a hint of something.

Two-tiered wall-mounted hang bars, floor to ceiling shelving, a rotatable weeping willow tie rack, a tall metal and glass accessory cabinet--it was like a mini boutique. All the stuff he wore these days fit into the one low dresser in his bedroom on Kohama, so he couldn't help but marvel at the order, variety, and extravagance of his old closet. Kise walked down the center as his fingers trailed along the stretch of suits, blazers and outwear hanging on the wall to his left. When those ran out, his hands slid over the shelves of folding board-precise sweaters and t-shirts. The wall at the far end was covered in footwear. From about hip-height to just above his head were the same individual display shelves that he saw in Kagami's Tokyo office and remembered from somewhere else in their past. Above and below were stacks of shoe boxes that appeared to be ordered in a fashion similar to the ones on display: alphabetical by brand according to style or purpose. The first two columns were all manners of dress shoes, followed by two columns of loafers and casual slip-ons, and then three columns of sneakers. Kise wondered how often someone came to dust and clean, because the one shelf with nothing on it was spotless.

There was a long bench pushed under the wall of denim and outerwear and...was that a wet suit...on his right. Under it were three stacks of longer, larger boxes which he assumed were his boots. He pulled out the bench and settled on the end facing the window on the side of the closet that he had not yet explored. The cushion was firm but inviting, so Kise laid back on it. With the tie rack within easy reach, he let his hand luxuriate in the polka dotted, paisley-ed, and striped designs of the silk, cashmere, and leather neck wear. Lying the way he was, he could appreciate the fuchsia grid framing the yellow and white checkerboard pattern on the ceiling. _Hmm?_ No longer just a hint; _this_ was very familiar. So he stared. Whisperings and echos drifted through the cracks in the boundaries of his consciousness.

Kise snapped back to awareness when his alarm went off. He looked at his phone--all but useless at the moment--it was almost nine. If it went off in Japan, he'd be reminded to do a round of exercises, but he was still out of sorts and didn't feel like it. He slipped the phone back in his pocket, but before he could drift all the way back into his stupor, the time registered again. He'd been staring at the ceiling for a little over two hours. _Whoa._ Kise eased up and wiped the daze out of his eyes.

The other end of his closet was empty by comparison. From where he was standing he could see a mirror that looked more complicated than necessary; something about it made him laugh. A smaller bench, a tall piece of furniture that looked like the wooden inboxes often seen in teachers' lounges, just with larger cubbies, and two stacked black bins. As he passed the open doors on his way for a closer look, he briefly checked out his bed. It was low. _Thank God._ Kise made his way over to the mirror, still unsure why it looked so...busy. The "inbox" was actually linen storage. Gray, yellow and fuchsia seemed to be a running theme.

From afar the bins looked plastic, but were actually painted metal...and heavy. In addition to being met with resistance when he pulled at the end of one lid, Kise also encountered a sudden wave of arousal. _...Okay...?_ Ignoring that for the moment, he peered around the side and saw that there was a locked latch. With his intentions thwarted, Kise figured he was due for that nap.

* * *

There was really nothing to do until Kise was ready to do something. The house was clean, the fridge was stocked, and the utilities were in service. Kagami paced back and forth, unlacing one sneaker for the nth time--letting his fingers reacquaint themselves with the habit. Straight bar, display, over under, Euro... How many lacing methods did he remember? Five hours of dozing and dazing was moderately refreshing, but boredom made him feel more tired than he really was. He paused at the foot of his bed and his attention wandered onto the three honor display shelves on the wall above it. Situated between his Larry Bird Converse Weapon MIDs and his Kareem Abdul-Jabbar UCLA Adidas Originals were a pair he designed from heel to toe, but those weren't his--they were just there for safe keeping...or so he'd told himself so many times back then.

He looked down, fingers still at it, double helix. _Nice._ Kagami grabbed the mate and laced them to match before putting them back in his closet. Looking at the space, packed with sneakers of every kind, he wondered briefly how he just left it all behind. The sneaker trade was a lucrative business and he had a knack for knowing what worked, what didn't, and when the tides were turning. Not to mention, it was fun. And it was what brought Kise back into his life the first time. When they were up on that scaffolding, he never would have imagined them where they were now. It was too late, but he wished he knew then all the things he knew now.

* * *

The low vibrations of a mellow keyboard and bass baited Kise out of his sleep. The words of the forgotten melody returned effortlessly. _♫Sometimes I feel lighter than the air♫_ His eyes opened slowly. _♫When you shine, you brighten up my day♫_ The room was dark, but oddly familiar shapes were caught in the slivers of light that slipped through the blinds. _♫It's great when we're together♫_ Kise rolled into an upright position and let his feet fall to the floor. _♫Whether or never, it's the same♫_ Eyelids still low and head half sleep, he ambled over to the bathroom. Not bothering to turn on the light, he turned on the shower and then stepped over to the toilet to relieve himself while the water heated up. _♫And I know I am not new to you♫_

Although he felt like he could sleep some more, his shower did a pretty decent job of waking him up. Kise reached behind the open bathroom door to grab a towel off the shelf, but there were none. He traipsed, dripping wet, out of the bathroom and across his barely lit bedroom to get one from the closet.

"GAAAAHHH!"

If he wasn't awake before, he certainly was now. Kise tried to get his bearings, panting, steadying himself on his knees, all while trying to decide if he should rub his stomach where it had met with the stiff handle of one of his bags or his head that knocked against the closet door on his way down. He eased back into a lazy seiza and then fell back onto the floor. There he was, sprawled, still trying to catch his breath when his door flew open and his ceiling light sprang to life and the music that was playing somewhere in the house came further in. Woozy and startled, he looked up to see Kagami hovering, appearing more winded than him.

"Kise?! Wha--" Kagami, heart doing its damnedest to beat right out of his chest, was stunned to silence by the sight of Kise, not just lying on the floor, but lying there naked. Stark naked. And wet. A groan from Kise brought him stuttering back. "K-Kise, wh-what happened? You alright?" Kagami asked, nervous as he knelt beside him.

"Oh my God! Would you stop staring?!" Kise cried as he closed his legs and covered his blushing face with one hand and his nethers with the other.

Kagami frantically surveyed the room for something to cover Kise with, because he _could not_ stop himself from looking. He opted for the sheet on Kise's bed. "Here," he said, staring again.

Kise did pretty well in wrapping himself up considering he could hardly move. "Th-Thank you..." He started to roll over, but stopped, unsure of how much of his back was covered.

"Kise...?"

Kise moaned, feeling like he should be regretting every decision in his life that brought him to this point. He wanted to sit up, but not while Kagami was there. Unfortunately he didn't think he had much of a choice as he was feeling very weak at the moment.

"What happened? What were you doing walking around in the dark...naked?"

He just had to slip that in there. "Shower. No towel. I forgot my bags were there and tripped."

"Okay, but...the dark?"

Kise sighed, feeling a headache spreading behind his eyes. "I know where everything is and it's not like I don't do this all the time."

"Eh?" Kagami wondered if Kise knew what he was implying. He watched him for a moment, not wanting to push too much--Kise always fared better when he made the connection himself. "...Do you?"

"What?"

"Do you do this all the time?"

"You're being really weird."

"Um, Kise... What were you doing before the shower?"

"I was sleep."

"And before that?"

"Um..." Kise's eyes rolled up and to the right and then to the left and then back to the right. "What was I doing?" he asked himself, completely drawing a blank.

"Well, anyway, you were sleep, with the lights out, right?"

"Yeah, I guess...?"

Kagami moved closer. "And when you woke up it was dark outside, too, right?"

"...Yeah."

"And you went into the bathroom and took a shower and everything, all in the dark, right? But you didn't bump into anything until you tripped over your bags that aren't usually there, right?"

Still not understanding where the conversation is going, "Okay, yeah?"

"So..." Kagami said, gesturing for Kise to pull at the thread.

"What are you getting at? Please don't make me think, my head is killing me." Kise raised his hand. "Can you help me up?"

"...Okay." Kagami stood up and extended his hand, still waiting for Kise to catch on.

"Close your eyes." Kise waited as Kagami stared. He wasn't sure if he hadn't heard him or if he was questioning why he should follow through. "Can you close your eyes, please?"

"Oh, sorry." Kagami closed his eyes and extended his other hand. He pulled up when he felt Kise's hands grip his forearms.

Kise kicked the bag he fell over, it moved back a few inches, teetered, and then he watched it fall over on its side. With his revenge taken, he ducked into his closet. No longer needing a towel, he grabbed his robe that was hanging on a hook next to his mirror. He started to tie the belt, but froze. "Ho-ly shit!" Kise ran out of the closet and jumped on Kagami, who, for some reason, still had his eyes closed.

"Wha--!" Kagami lost his footing under the unexpected attack and stumbled backward onto Kise's bed with Kise on top of him. "What the hell?!"

"I remember!"

Kagami's eyes coasted from Kise's glowing expression, down his neck, to his bare chest and on. "You...did..." He licked his lips and swallowed. "Kise...your...uh--" He quickly covered his eyes and pointed towards their lower regions. "I can see, uh..."

Kise looked down and saw that he was fully exposed. "GahhhAWwaoh!" He fell backward and nearly off the bed when he tried to close his robe, but Kagami grabbed him and pulled him into his arms. Kise, a bit dizzy, rested his head on Kagami's shoulder, catching his breath through his laugh that sounded more like a ragged sigh of relief. "I...remembered..."

Kagami loosened his embrace, let his arms fall to Kise's hips, and tried to regulate his own breathing. "Heh... Yeah...you did," he said as his thumb lazily stroked the arch of Kise's hips. He wondered if every remembrance would be like this. Even if he got knocked over every time, he didn't think it would be so bad.

* * *

Greedy. He was getting greedy and he didn't care. He'd always wanted to remember more, but now he wanted to remember everything, even the things that he'd been afraid to remember. Well, he did and he didn't. It's just that...it wasn't happening. Kise had explored the rest of the house; he seemed to know the layout of the kitchen, but he chalked that up to common sense, more or less. When his "tour" ended at Kagami's room, he didn't go in. He only went as far as the threshold before giving up and going back downstairs, figuring he'd try later. He was curious, but also discouraged because nothing was clicking the way he needed it to. Then, when Kagami told him that he used to get really weird about going in there, he decided to dismiss the idea completely, because... What was the point? Everything else, though, while not entirely unfamiliar, none of it seemed to fit or even give an inkling of what his bedroom gave him. It was all out of context.

"It's cool, man. Just give it time. It hasn't even been a day."

"I know but..." Kise pouted as he tried to get comfortable on the sofa. Failing that, he slid to the floor. "What if..."

Kagami's brow raised. Whatever Kise was going to say, it wasn't like he had a good answer for it, but he didn't like seeing him like this: slightly on edge and visibly uncomfortable and confused. "You can rattle off a list of what-ifs as long as my arm, but it's probably just going create more questions we don't have the answers to." He sat on the floor next to Kise. "I feel like I'm due for another nap." He looked at his watch. "Well, I guess it would just be going to bed now, but anyway, when I get up," he placed his hand on Kise's knee, "how about we have breakfast and then we can go out? I'll take you to some of the places we used to go."

Kise walked his fingers down his thigh to Kagami's hand, slipped his fingers under it, and brought over his other hand to sandwich it in.

Kagami snickered and put his free hand on top. "So? Sound like a plan?"

"Yeah," Kise answered, nodding, shoulders sinking further as he resigned himself to waiting. It did sound like a plan and he was glad Kagami suggested it, but he didn't just want to remember a random store or whatever--he wanted to remember stuff like conversations, arguments, and hugs...if there were ever any. He wanted to remember the stuff that filled up their days and nights and the moments in between, all the stuff that kept them in each other's company.

Kagami curled his hands around Kise's. "Cool. Are you hungry? You want something to eat before I sleep?"

"No, I think I'll sleep too. It's like two in the morning, right?"

* * *

They slept in. Actually, Kise slept in, a whole 12 hours, and Kagami felt slightly displaced by that since, when they lived in the house, he functioned just fine off a third of that--and breakfast became a late lunch. Kagami's mother picked them up to take them back to her and his father's place to have lunch and retrieve Kagami's car out of storage. After four hours of laughing at stories about elementary school Kagami, Kise finally agreed to let them be on their way. And on their way they went. Tar pits, Ethiopian cuisine, an overpriced dive bar, two museums, a pool hall, karaoke, and all the art deco of Miracle Mile. Three days and counting. On the morning of the fourth day, Kagami told Kise to pack a bag and to see if his wet suit still fit. They had brunch with Kagami's parents and then drove west on I10. This time it was stories of the many times Kise got lost that had him bubbling over with laughter. It wasn't until later that Kise realized that Kagami didn't talk about the last one he mentioned in his letter. They spent the rest of the day at the Santa Monica Aquarium and got another eyeful of art deco when they bedded down for the night at the Hotel Shangri-La.

The following day, they turned back and hopped on the 405 and headed north. Destination: San Fernando Swap Meet. Kise wasn't all that surprised when Kagami told him that he used take Kise there every so often to people-watch. But he was surprised that Kagami held his hand almost the entire time. Apparently, back in the day, the swap meet saw too many searches for Kise for Kagami's taste and, while he didn't mind talking about them, he had no intention of reliving them. It wasn't like Kise minded all that much, though he knew he shouldn't get too comfortable with their closeness when so many things remained unresolved.

It seemed like every other table, booth, or station, Kagami was stopping to chat with this or that person to catch up and talk about sneakers. Kise looked on as nostalgia rippled faintly across his mind. On their way back down the 405, they stopped in an art gallery in Northridge, Sky Zone in Van Nuys, and had rodizio in Culver City before checking into the Ayres Hotel, a hop, skip, and a jump from Manhattan Beach where they spent the next day surfing.

Another three days of surfing. They took Route 1 from Manhattan Beach, down to Huntington, to The Wedge, and then drove down the 5 to Cardiff Reef. There was very little idle time; Kagami kept them moving, kept them occupied, and only let them stop when they were exhausted. On the one hand, it was overwhelming, and Kise wondered if anything would come of the bullet train-like ride through their past, but, on the other, some of his out of context memories were beginning to take shape. But, like the house, they seemed like second-hand experiences; although, he had to admit that it was better than nothing.

* * *

Kagami looked up from his phone. The windows were open and a cool breeze was flowing through the house. It would have been enjoyable if it weren't for Kise's not-even-trying-to-be-subtle huffing and puffing. It was becoming hard to ignore and it only made the soreness in his jaw throb more. They slept for a whole day when they finally made it back to the house. Kagami was refreshed, but Kise... "What are are you even upset about?"

Everything hurt. Even after a full day's rest, Kise was still sore. Head to toe, he was nothing but a monument to pain and discomfort. "It's not fair."

"What are you on about now?"

"Even the space between my toes hurts," Kise whined as he threw a minor tantrum on the sofa. "And you're just sitting there like we just came back from a day at the spa."

"Go soak again."

"You should give me a massage."

Kagami rubbed his jaw. "Yeah, because that worked so well the last time."

"I said I was sorry."

"Yeah, I heard you. But it still feels like your elbow is trying to impale my face."

"I am sorry. ...It's, uh, been a while since anyone's touched me, but I didn't realize I'd jump like that.

Kagami sighed and returned to his phone. He knew Kiyoshi gave Kise a massage at least once a week, so he didn't know why Kise felt he had to lie rather than saying that it was the fact that it was him doing the touching that was the problem. He pushed that thought aside in favor of  trying to figure out what to do next. The past week had been a blur of activity and information; Kagami's intention was to overwhelm Kise and then give him time to piece things together if he could. And then, maybe they could move forward, but it was moments like these that made it hard to ignore how convoluted and screwed up their situation was. "It wasn't a good idea from the start. We still haven't talked and I'm not trying to confuse things anymore than they already are. At least one of us should have our head on straight."

"There you go again." Kise huffed and rolled to face the back of the sofa, turning his back to Kagami.

Kagami sat up in the chair as his eyes shot to Kise's back; he could feel his hold on his temper straining. "What...is that supposed to mean?"

"You always think something is going to complicate things, so you hold back."

And this is why they rarely ever had a conversation about about anything that mattered. Always aborted before they really got started because it was always by Kise's lead and more often than not, he started it with a snide comment. "Kise... Not like this..."

"I don't need you--"

"Kise, don't."

"--to protect me all the time. I can take care of myself." Kise snapped, scorn present and accounted for.

"Even if I wanted to protect you," Kagami said, talking over Kise, "I can't! You keep me at a distance!"

"That's funny, coming from you."

Kagami stopped and cut his eyes at Kise. "I know!" He jumped out of his seat and began pacing back and forth in front of the sofa, the coffee table the only thing between he and Kise. He ran his hands through his hair and picked up his stride again. "The irony is not lost on me. But fuck, I don't want to go into it like this! Not again, _please_. I can't do this anymore. You hated me when I kept things from you and now whenever I try to talk about the past, you shut me out with all this petty bullshit! Yet earlier you were moping about not remembering! I don't know what the hell you want! Why can't you just talk to me?!"

"What do you think we're doing now?" Kise's voice remained calm even with the bitter edge.

Kagami stopped and glared at Kise's back. "Arguing about talking doesn't count." He ran his hands through his hair again." Please, Kise. You have got me so turned around, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore."

"Join the club." Kise snorted derisively.

"Yeah," Kagami said as he sat on the table in front of Kise, willing him to turn around, "but it's different. You may not realize it or feel it or whatever, but you are still _you_. There's very little that's different about you from before. The biggest difference is that your temper is shorter, but I wonder if I just never noticed before or you hid it well." Kagami hung his head.

Kise could feel the heat of Kagami's frustration hovering about him.

"And when I think that you hid it, I just... I don't know... It bothers me, Kise. It takes me right back to when you left and-- and I was lost. I was so fuckin' lost. It took me all this time to realize that...when you left, it broke my heart. How stupid am I?" Incredulity laced Kagami's words.

Kise closed his eyes and pressed himself deeper into the sofa as if that would shield him from the desperation in Kagami's voice.

"How could you even fall in love with me?" No longer sure what his point was, but irritated with the faint cry in his tone, Kagami stood to walk away, but was held back by an urgent and pleading tug at his fingers.

Kise was equally unsure about his intentions, but he knew he didn't want Kagami to leave. He gingerly re-positioned himself to face Kagami and propped his head up. Resettling into the comfort of the sofa, he made space for Kagami in the contour of his body. Kise tugged again and Kagami fell stiffly against him.

Kagami sighed.

"What existed between us before or how apparent things were, I can't really say, but you aren't stupid," Kise offered, hoping Kagami believed him. "And if you haven't changed, then I know how I could have fallen in love with you."

With his forearms resting on his thighs, Kagami dropped his chin to his chest. "Well, I don't know. Isn't it supposed to feel good? 'Cause right now, it doesn't. If neither one of us has really changed, then I must have made you angry. A lot. It's all I seem to do now. You're mad at me, I'm mad at me, and this situation sucks."

Kise wasn't sure how they'd gotten here, but he was sure that they couldn't stay. It just wasn't going work. His indecision would do nothing but hold them both back. He'd rather let go than continue on what was obviously a dead end road.

"Kise, I don't even know where we stand." Kagami scanned Kise's face briefly. "I mean, do you love me? Do you want to be with me? Are we ever going to be friends? I hesitate to say 'again' because I don't know what we really were before. I have no idea how any of this works. I always took my cues from my parents and... What should I do?" He turned to face Kise more fully, making sure their gazes connected. "Should I wait? Do you need time? Or should I give up and just try to forget and go back to... whatever I was before?"

The pain was very real, but Kise wanted to pretend for a little while that it wasn't. He clenched his jaw as he wiggled out from behind Kagami and folded his legs in front of him. Kagami's eyes had not left him and the weight of his stare was nothing he'd ever felt before, On top of the discomfort, the heated attention made him dizzy and tied his stomach in knots. He wanted a reprieve of some kind, but it wasn't happening any time soon because what he was about to say wasn't going to do much to ease their situation. It wouldn't be the whole truth--though he wasn't sure what the truth was anymore--but he he had to say something before they hurt each other anymore than they already have.

Kise let their eyes connect for a moment and then looked away. "I can't remember any one incident, but I do remember your feelings on relationships. I kind of caught on from the letter, but being with your folks last week brought back a definite feeling. Just a lot of frustration and unease. Even though we were all laughing, there was this weird tension in the air and it seemed like I was the only one who felt it. And like everything else, it was more of a memory out of context."

Something in the way Kise's breathing was being quietly punctuated by seemingly nervous swallows made Kagami feel like he was about to be carefully pushed off a cliff.

The gaping holes in Kise's past could not be ignored, but he still felt like the conversation they were about to have was both familiar and a long, long time coming. "I've been thinking about this for a while and I don't think there can be an 'us'. Kise touched the balled fist that was now at Kagami's side. "Because of they way you feel about relationships, I can't go down that road with you. And because of the way I feel about you and maybe even the way you think you feel about me, it would be hard for us to be friends."

Kagami shifted on the sofa as his fist tightened. "What do you mean the way I 'think'?"

"You never believed in relationships because of everything with your parents, right? I've at least remembered that much. I don't doubt that you have feelings for me--you never would have tolerated me for so long or been there for me the way you have--but I don't think that necessarily has to be love, not like the way I feel."

"Then what is it?!" The coffee table skidded as he stood up. Running away wouldn't help anything, but to sit there and listen as Kise denied what he drove himself crazy trying to understand was almost too much. "What else can I call it? I think about you all the time. I always want to be with you. I want to make you laugh. I want to hold you. I feel like the worst person in the world when you're mad at me." Kagami ran his hands through his hair. "And I'm just jealous...of everything and everyone that holds your attention--"

Everything in Kise contracted as he tried to hold onto the moment he was in. A low droning sound accompanied something that felt like a weak magnetic force that was trying to pull him away from what he saw as the outcome of the conversation: the inevitable end. Kagami's words were pushing back on his heart, stirring things up. He wanted to tell Kagami that it was love, but he didn't believe it. Couldn't believe it. But the more Kagami talked, the more he just wanted to accept it. But the prospect of being wrong, of failing when they had a chance now to avoid any further damage, was daunting to say the least. It was a feeling that had settled about him for nearly a year--it wouldn't budge. And even if that wasn't an issue, what about everything else? There were so many other things to consider. Kise moved to stand up, but the tension and the faint gravitation kept him off balance. He compromised by settling on the arm of the sofa and tuned back in.

"--I'm jealous of the me that you knew that's locked away in your head somewhere. He was an idiot, but at least he was with you. I'm jealous of Aomine because you remembered him and had no idea who I was. I didn't want that polite smile. I wanted full-on recognition. I wanted you to jump on me the way you used to when you were excited, the way you did when you remembered the other day. And I am _so_ jealous of Kiyoshi because you obviously feel safer with him." Kagami's chest heaved, drained from all the truth being spoken and scared of how much more real it all seemed now that he'd spoken the words aloud. He leaned over the back of the chair, trying to calm himself. He was standing in front of an open window, but was so worked up that the breeze had no affect on him. "That shit hurts." he continued. "And it wasn't until I saw how you guys were together, looking like you fucking adored him that I realized... That used to be us."

The force grew stronger. In a blink, Kagami was in front of him holding his arms. Kise didn't even see the movements that brought him across the room. He didn't know what to say to that. Their eyes caught each other a second before Kise had to turn away. He was doing that a lot, but he couldn't help it; Kagami's eyes were intense and his gaze made Kise feel more inept with each minute longer the conversation dragged on. "I don't..."

Kagami laughed. It was bitter and full of exhaustion. "I know you don't remember. But that was us. At first I shrugged you off every time I found you leaning on me, in my lap, hugging me for no reason. But it didn't last long. I got so used to it that I didn't think anything of it. But when you were gone," Kagami knelt in front of Kise, "I missed it. I _craved_ it. And I still do."

Kise stood, slipping out of Kagami's grasp. He tried to focus, but he couldn't find purchase in anything. Even though the force called to him, it was still out of reach.

When Kise didn't move or speak he thought he was spacing out the same way he on the first day. Kagami moved, tried to position himself in Kise's line of sight, but Kise wasn't seeing. His gaze seemed unsettled, failing to focus; Kagami didn't know what to do. "Kise?"

He couldn't move; he could barely think--he felt lost in time and space, somehow, numb to now and then, here and there. Not even the tears that had begun streaming down his cheeks registered.

Kagami pulled Kise close and, for the first time ever, he embraced him, fully. No hesitation, no questions, no surprise, no distance--neither emotional nor physical. God, he never wanted to let go.

Though it was marginally, Kise's body relaxed of its own accord.

"Kise, talk to me." Even though he was freaking out in his head, he didn't want to make Kise aware of that; he made his voice soft and encouraging, wavering only a little. "Kise, what's wrong?" He loosened his hold when he felt Kise shudder. "I'm sorry. I didn't-- I won't bring it up...I'll... I'll...give up. It's okay. If you want me out of your life, I'll g-go. If you don't want to be here, I'll book a flight. I'll send you wherever, just say something so that I know you're alright." Kagami pulled back and held Kise's reddened face in his hands. "Whatever it is, whatever you want...just tell me..." He did his best to stifle the desperation.

"I-I'm sc-scared..." Kise shook and shuddered as he balled Kagami's shirt in his fists. "I'm scared, Kagamicchi."

Kagami pulled him into his arms again. He'd agreed with Kiyoshi when he said that L.A. might be good for both of them, but now? He wasn't so sure. He'd seen Kise angry and hurt before, but his denial ran deep, so there was always a certain level of detachment that prevented him from truly being affected by it. But that was before. Before he woke up. Before he pulled off the blinders. And now that he could see the pain for what it was, his heart was breaking all over again and he didn't know what to do about it. He'd never been so out of his element. "What is it? What are you afraid of?"

His head, his eyes, his chest, his everything...it hurt. Kise gripped Kagami's shirt tighter. "I...don't...know... I don't know."

Kagami reluctantly loosened his hold again and guided Kise back to the sofa. He looked down at Kise whose head was leaning against his stomach and hands were still clinging to his shirt. He smoothed Kise's hair, repeating the motion, hoping that it would help. The pull on his shirt relaxed and it felt like an opening, but what should he say? What could he possibly do? If he was a mess, he couldn't even imagine what any of this was doing to Kise.

Kise couldn't find a moment to be present in and he felt dizzy as he tried to anchor himself. Only when he felt his tears being wiped away did he even know that they were falling again. Light. Dark. Light. Dark. Light. And then dark again. He opened his eyes once more; things slowly came into focus. And when the blur and wavering finally flattened out, he saw Kagami kneeling before him.

Kagami's thumb brushed away what he hoped was the last tear. "Hey... How are you feeling? ...Do you want to leave?"

His body was acting on its own again. Kise watched as his fingers, found their way to Kagami's face. They traced along the ridge of his brow, the length of his nose, the curve of his cheeks, and the line of his jaw. Finally, his thumbs came to rest on the fullness of Kagami's lips.

Kagami took hold of Kise's hands. "Something wrong with my face?" he asked, laughing nervously, but somewhat relieved.

This face he remembered. The house? Not so much. But, this face... Asleep or awake. Even when he forgot it, it felt like it was missing. This face with its constant worry lines and its smile that said so much. This face that reminded Kise of Tokyo, but also seemed to anchor him in this strange place. Was it really the house that had him out of sorts, uneasy, and scared? In the sense that it represented missing pieces to a puzzle, yes, it might be the house. But he knew it wasn't the house, not really, not when it was a puzzle he couldn't decide if he wanted to finish or not. Kise knew it was more than that.

"What..." Kise started with a rasp in his voice.

Kagami squeezed Kise's hands, anticipation mounting.

"What if I can't remember?"

"Huh?"

"What if you tell me everything and I still can't remember? Or what if it's worse than I thought? I read the letter and a lot of things came back to me, but there's still so much that I don't know. Stuff that I don't understand."

Kagami bowed his head. "I'm sorry... If you can't, it's my fault...I shouldn't have kept it from you. I'm sorry, Kise." He squeezed his hands again. "If I had told you sooner, you would have remembered already. And it just gets harder to talk about it every time we argue. If it's too late, if too much time has passed...I'm sorry--"

"You don't know that," Kise interrupted, his voice still rough. "If you told me sooner..." Sooner, later, never. It didn't matter. Not enough to make it Kagami's fault alone, anyway. Even after reading the letter-- No.  _Especially_ after reading the letter, he'd hesitated to really know what his life was like. A dam broke back then and he was reminded of a lot of things, more than he let on. Before that, he did struggle to reclaim his life, but after...he struggled to understand and accept a number of the pieces that had fallen into place. Not everything was good and hardly any of the bad had much to do with Kagami. But even with the fear and uncertainty, there was a part of him that truly wanted to know, a part of him that felt knowing, even without understanding, would be good. Understanding would come or it wouldn't, but there was nothing to say that the raw information was useless without it. However, him knowing and Kagami knowing were two different things.

Kise gently lifted Kagami's head. He'd already put him through so much. "...I can't let you take all the blame."

"But--"

Kise squeezed Kagami's hands back. "I'm not mad at you..." Kise cleared his throat. "Haven't been for a while now. I was mad at myself and just taking taking it out on you."

Confusion seemed to know no bounds. "But...Kise...you didn't do anything wrong."

"I... Kagami... I love you, but..." Kise's voice faltered. "I don't... I don't know how to forgive you..." _Or myself_ , Kise thought.

Something began to crumble inside Kagami. He confessed to Kise to be honest about how he felt, but also in hopes of mending the rift between them. He knew he wanted to be with Kise, but since they never seemed to be able to get along for long, he'd put anything more between them aside for the time being. But... If Kise couldn't forgive him, then there was no hope at all. Kagami felt sick.

"I know you've tried, I know you regret it and I see how much you mean it when you say you're sorry, but I... If I forgive you, then things will happen..."

"Th-Things...?" Kagami asked, voice stretching high with uncertainty.

"If I do, then...we have to talk...and if we talk, then we might sort things out and if that happens...we might end up together..."

"Um," Kagami tilted his head as if 20° to the left would help him see through this...whatever it was that was happening, "I thought that's what you wanted."

"No!" Kise shouted as he leapt off the sofa.

"What?!" Kagami yelled as he found himself two steps behind Kise.

Kise paced back and forth. "I mean... I did...I think. I remember things, like how I missed you so much when I first got to Okinawa, how I chose your name because I wanted to be near you. But I also remember being relieved that you weren't around. Being very angry and frustrated and exhausted and feeling like a liar. What is that?!" He stopped and turned to Kagami. "I love you _now_. Even with all of the stuff that's happened over the last year and a half, but I don't know for sure about before and some of the things I remember scare me. I don't really know who I was... I don't look so good in my memories."

Kagami grabbed Kise who had started pacing again. "But _I_ love you _now_."

"But what if I really haven't changed? What if it's not just because I don't know, but because the things I remember that I don't want to... Wh-What if you don't love that me?"


	3. C02: Sleepwalking

Kise took a left and looked back once more to make sure that he'd really gotten away. The hood over his head obstructed half his view, but he thought he was in the clear. After he jumped the last fence and found himself in what he assumed was a school sports field, he stopped running. Well, it was more of an attempt; one that wasn't worth much since the velocity of his course continued to carry him forward. Unable to slow himself down or correct his path, he stumbled towards the bleachers and practically halfway up until the drag of the incline won out over his momentum. With full control of his limbs something of a distant dream and aches from head to toe, he collapsed on the bleachers--head back, arms out to the side, legs splayed, chest heaving, and eyes closed to the blinding sun.

When Kise finally opened his eyes, it was to dusky pinks and purples and blues. _Sunset?_ He wasn't sure how long he was out, but his heart seemed like it had finally given up on trying to beat its way out of his body and the thrumming of adrenaline through his veins seemed to have subsided, so that was good. Kise stretched a bit before he rolled his way into a more upright position, bringing his legs up and knees in so he could hunch over like a proper idiot.

He'd left Kagami standing in the living room. That was bad. He knew, but he didn't know what to say after asking a question he didn't really know he wanted to ask until it was already out of his mouth. And then, when Kagami had reached for him--to hug him or shake him, he wasn't sure--he'd pulled back. The hurt was written all over Kagami's face, so when Kagami turned away--to hide his reaction or out of utter frustration, he wasn't sure about that either--Kise had made a break for it, stepping into a pair of sneakers and grabbing his hoodie that was slung over the chair nearest the front door. Now, as the evening breeze picked up, he pulled the hoodie close, flipped up the hood, took a deep breath, breathing in through his nose, with the intention of letting it out slowly, but almost choked instead.

The scent that wafted over him ignited sparks up his spine. It wasn't his hoodie, it was Kagami's.  _Shit_. Kise shook his head and he would have laughed if he wasn't still trying to catch his breath. Even in running away he couldn't get away from him. Old habits and all that. He hopped down from the bleachers which turned out to be a mistake. Not only was he still in pain from his crash course with Kagami over the last few days, but the run that brought him to where he was had to have done a number on his... on his everything. He was so going to regret this.

With a careful, measured gait, Kise headed towards the direction from which he'd entered the field; his aches were humming a tune he was sure he hadn't heard since... He shuddered at the unexpectedly returning memory of the night of the fire at the inn. He was in a daze and must have gone about about 10 blocks before he stopped to actually think about where he was headed and then he looked around, taking in the clay tile roofs, stucco walls, and enclosed courtyards of the Spanish Colonial homes and realized he did even know where the heck he was. How long had he been running for? How many turns did he make? He couldn't even begin to guess; all he knew when he'd left the house was that he had to get away.

As he stood there trying to walk his predicament backwards to figure out how he got there--not just that corner, but that moment in his life--he surveyed his whereabouts again. Though the streets were unfamiliar, the difficult to fully articulate feeling of distance he was experiencing was anything but. Kise's memories of the hows and whys of getting lost way back when were starting to creep in. Something told him that it was stunts like this--stunts driven by the impulse to get away from the moment he was in, or, rather, a compulsion to get to a new moment, one that didn't hurt so much all the time--that made Kagami get all ragey at the thought of Kise going somewhere on his own. Because the far afield, anything-but-moored feeling that he had going on meant he was well and truly lost.

The bright blue-white of a passing car's headlights pulled Kise out of his fog just long enough to get that he probably looked like he was up to no good idling on the corner at that time of day. As the taillights grew smaller and smaller into the darkness that stretched behind him, the night sky-lit intersection of Arizona & Harvard spread out in front of him. To his left and his right, about a block each, was the telltale fluorescent glow of a business district. His mind clouded over again as he, without any serious thought, headed to his right. When he finally reached Wilshire Blvd., he didn't even take notice, just merged with the stream of foot traffic and continued on his way, not that he knew which way that was.

Kise walked, half in his memories and half in the real world. Like the advancement of a View-Master reel, a dim scene of him laughing at Kagami as he tried to install Kise's convertible three-way mirror shifted and then there was a person a few feet ahead of him wearing a tan just-below-the-knee-length trench coat and purple patent leather stilettos like they were on their way to deliver a sex-o-gram. Another shift and he was going through the house, slamming every open door, ignoring Kagami's growling disapproval. Shift. Further up ahead he could see two people standing off to the side of the pedestrian tide, arguing, bodies tense, hands gesticulating. Shift. He was on Kagami's shoulders reaching up to snap the first chalk line on the ceiling of his closet. Shift. He was closer to the couple now, the angry motions had given way to gentle touches to the face, laced fingers, and admiring eyes. Kise took a deep breath again, then a shift back to the past brought with it a scent memory and showed him in nothing but an open red zip hoodie and fitted black LA Clippers cap, hand covered in the results of his unquenched desire, tears streaming down his face.

Again, Kise almost choked at the abrupt return of Kagami's scent. His steps halted as he struggled to get his barrings. He distantly registered the grunts, complaints and at least one shout as he stood rooted to the pavement; he was a sea stack interrupting the current of bodies moving around him.

The blare of a car horn snapped his awareness back to now. He'd doubled over and leaned against a storefront; his hands were braced against his knees, and his chin was tucked to his chest. Kise's lungs struggled to expel air and struggled even more to take it in. Minutes, hours, days, years of recollections passed as he tried to come back to himself, as his mind tried to gain purchase with the present, and his breathing tried to even out.

Once Kise reached a functional level of awareness and respiration, he endeavored to right himself, make himself look like less of a target or a spazz, he wasn't all that picky at the moment. As he straightened up, one hand against the store window for support, he felt like he'd been pressed into a mould; limbs stiff, joints experiencing something akin to rigor. And on top of feeling physically compromised, his head swam. He _and_ his perception were definitely back in the present, but the past was still running roughshod over his mind; errant memories treating it like a Mario Kart course. It was really too much.

Kise looked around the busy street, blocking out the stares--the curious, the amused, and the concerned alike. The sidewalk teemed with people and they spilled out onto the road; some dashing, some dodging, some flirting with the cruising cars. He knew he needed to move, to go somewhere, he still wasn't sure where, but he had to keep moving. In an honest moment he'd acknowledge that it was really running away--it's what he did; best, if he was being completely honest--but he'd yet to reach that moment, so, for now, he just had to go. Kise made to slip into the flow and become a passerby, but he hesitated a bit and it brought to his mind the way the girls at the one photo shoot he did prepared to jump double dutch. He caught himself off guard when he heard himself laugh. And by the looks of it, a few of the people around him were startled as well.

The sky above had gone completely dark. Or as much as it could with the illuminated streets throwing their artificial lighting up to the heavens. Still, the assumed cover of darkness was comforting, so Kise inhaled a fortifying breath--through his mouth this time; lesson learned--clenched his jaw, threw his shoulders back, curled his hands into fists at his side, and stepped away from the wall and into the throng. And go he did.

About a block or so down, he made a conscious effort to relax. First his shoulders, then his hands which he brought up to massage the tightness out of his jaw. He was far from chill, but his muscles were beginning to loosen up; he could work with that. But the downside, Kise realized a moment too late, was that the exhaustion hit him all at once and he wanted a bed to be somewhere in his very near future. With his body worn out, it was up to his brain to make it happen, but his brain on some other shit. Hundreds of questions flashed and, for the first time ever, he had answers. Like the name of the woman he was dating when he decided to move to L.A., Ami, she was a stylist. And the last guy he dated, a Muay Thai instructor named Desmond. The keys he kept on a hook under his bed; they unlocked the metal bins in his closet. The Daybreak Cafe was the eatery at the hotel he stayed at in Vancouver the first time he ran away from Kagami. _Shit_.

It wasn't that he didn't know, but it took until that moment for him to truly understand what he did by running out on Kagami earlier. The man had never had the easiest time articulating his feelings and yet, he'd told Kise how he felt, that he loved him. Twice. And both times Kise had dismissed him. Well, not directly, but in so far as he'd done something each time that made it pretty much impossible for them to continue the conversation. Kagami was right. Every time they got close to really talking about the past, Kise would derail the conversation. Sure, he knew he was doing it, but he didn't know if it was always deliberate or if it was an automatic defense mechanism. And if it was the latter, what was he guarding himself against? All signs pointed to him getting what he'd always wanted: To be with Kagami. Okay, not _always_ , but for all the time that mattered.

And this was it, he understood, the moment of honesty that he'd been side stepping for... Unlike before when he was pulled in without much warning, Kise allowed himself to drift freely in the backwards flow of memories and time, yet he still could not determine how long, but he had a feeling that it was long before Vancouver, long before their brief kiss, long before Valley Presbyterian. If he had to guess--but was it really a guess?--it started right before he broke up with Ami and followed him through every subsequent relationship to their inevitable end. And this also seemed to be the moment he realized how monumentally he'd fucked up. For Kagami to go from swearing off relationships for life to (relatively) patiently pursuing Kise only to get jerked about like this... God! He was such an idiot. He knew that like he knew he wanted to be with Kagami and it would never happen because everything else was bullshit and he'd let it get in the way.

What difference did the past make when compared to now when they were seemingly on the same page? He'd spent so much time cursing the missing moments that he completely overlooked the grand opportunity he had to start anew--and for the right reasons this time. He'd always think, "If only..." But now he wondered, 'If only' what, though? If he knew the ways and means of the past, would it change anything? Maybe before, when he was early into his recovery, but now?

Now he knew it didn't matter. Not really. It did in the sense of whether or not he'd learned or could learn from his mistakes, but in the grand scheme of things, as they were turning out to be, he knew it for the excuse it was.

God! He'd fucked up so bad. Even if he wanted Kagami, he knew that he didn't deserve him. Not now. Not after how careless he was with his heart. He needed to do them both a favor and just leave for good.

Kise stopped abruptly and about-faced. He didn't know when it started to rain, but it had. It didn't really require him to seek shelter, but he threw up his hood and figured that would be enough.

Now that he knew the score, he really had to go. It was Kiyoshi's fault he was here in the first place--he'd let himself believe that for the moment--so Kiyoshi would have to get him out of there. He shoved his hand in his hoodie pocket and pulled out his phone. But it wasn't until he woke it up that he realized that it wasn't his, it was Kagami's. _Shit_.

"Oh fuckin' well." Kise rallied with a side of resignation. If he was going to call Kiyoshi any phone would do. He swiped across the screen and it didn't register with him that he knew Kagami's passcode without even thinking about--1010, his jersey number for Seirin and Vorpal Swords. "What the fuck?!"

His present state was just an ode to confusion. Kise wasn't sure if he was reacting to the memories or the home screen background. He knew that picture. He gave it to Kagami one night, and his heart almost broke when Kagami gave it back to him a day or so later.

Still in his own world, he was jolted back into the reality of the falling rain, of the shhhhh of the cars cruising along the wet road, of the people walking around him, and, belatedly, of the one person that bumped into him causing the shift that yanked him back. As he focused he noticed the wetness of his empty palm and Kagami's phone on the ground. The phone was face up and slightly dislodged from the case back while the cap trim sat a foot or so away. He picked the trim up first and then the phone and back. The dark slate wouldn't sit in the cradle of the back properly and when he turned it over to see why, he almost blacked out.

Were humans really equipped to endure so much stress in one day? Shouldn't there be laws in nature that made it so that revelations, epiphanies, and other mind-blowing shit were given time to breathe before another came along?

There, in all its sentimental glory was the picture. The original one. They'd gone bowling or something and stopped into a photo booth on the way home. Kise gave Kagami his favorite of the four. It was the one with the old tube TV frame; Kagami looking nonplussed as usual and Kise looking at Kagami. As usual. When Kagami gave it back to him he'd tried so hard to keep the disappointment off his face and out of his tone when he asked what _he_ was supposed to do with it. Per Kagami's instructions he flipped it over to find Kagami's chicken scratch alerting anyone that if they found Kise, to return him to Kagami.

Kise was crying. He didn't know when that started. He wiped at his face, hoping to wipe away the memories that came calling, but only managing to get the tears that were trailing down his cheeks. He was also listening to a phone ring his ear and he didn't know when he dialed, but he knew it was the number from the back of the picture. At that moment, he didn't know a whole hell of a lot, but it didn't matter once the call was answered.

"Where the hell are you?!"


	4. C03: Breathe In, Breathe Out

He lost Kise somewhere around 25th and Montana. Kagami had been stunned when he turned around to see Kise dashing out the front door. It took him a minute to act and that had cost him Kise's lead. Once he admitted to himself that he wasn't going to catch up with Kise, Kagami continued up 25th to Wilshire where he caught a cab home. The whole way back, feeling exhausted and all but defeated, he meditated on what to do. Quick to act, slow to think was his usual, but an overwhelming sense of resignation slowed him all the way down.

On the one hand, he was terrified that Kise was out there in what was, to Kise, possibly vaguely familiar at best and uncharted territory at worst. Alone. Without him. On the other, and it crushed something deep inside to acknowledge but, Kise taking off made it clear as crystal that he didn't want to be around Kagami. Would it be selfish of him to continue to chase after him? It was for his own piece of mind, he was aware, but did that automatically mean that it wasn't for Kise's own good as well? Kiyoshi would tell him what?

Kagami paid and thanked the driver before they drove off. Standing in his driveway, he wondered what his life had become. There was a part of him ranting incessantly about how he was right all along and relationships aren't worth it and they never work. A part of him that was steadily retracing the paths of the labyrinth it assumed he was in, lamenting his current state of utter confusion. But there was another part, not quite as big as the others--yet gaining ground--the part that let Kise walk away from him too many times, and it was telling him-- No. Urging him, screaming to not let it happen again, its siren call was beginning to drown out everything else. Kagami knew that he could only silence them all by moving forward. He didn't bother hoping he was doing the right thing because he knew that it was go or regret.

The sun was going down and the breezes were picking up. Kagami ran back in the house to change out of his sweaty shirt and grab his jacket off the back of the sofa. He went through a mental checklist to make sure he had everything he needed. First his pockets--phone, wallet, keys and he felt the other phone weighing down the jacket when he picked it up. He pulled the phone out of his back pocket to check the battery and saw that it was the old one. Thinking he must have switched them, he threw on the jacket, prepared to check the other phone, but the hoodie was a bit snug. He didn't have to think on it long, he knew it was Kise's. Which meant...

It was a damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. Had he just hired a car to drive him around Northeast and Mid-City while he was already there, he might have found Kise by now. But he felt a little more sure about his decision to go back to get his own car. The downside was that he'd lost at least an hour, but the upside was that he didn't have to rely on someone who'd give him the side-eye when he asked them to circle any particular block for the 100th time. Like now.

When Kagami made it back to where he'd lost Kise, he drove farther east to Stanford Ave and then made his way back west towards Ocean Ave by snaking north and south between Montana and Colorado Aves. A light rain played across his windshield as he came up on his fifth? sixth? circuit. The sun had checked out an hour or so ago and with each lap he grew more weary. Not in the sense that he was ready to give up, just that, the more time he had to think, the more he realized that he had no idea what to do.

He would find Kise and? Talk? About what, though? No topic seemed safe. Could he at least convince him to come home? The whole situation was going nowhere and he knew, left up to him, it would keep on that way. He never regretted not dating more than he did now. Where do you draw the line? How do you know when to push and when to step back? Should he just make sure Kise was safe and forget about everything else? Should he keep telling Kise he loves him until he gets it? Would that even be enough?

Kagami scanned the sidewalks, hoping the how and the what would come to him soon, because Kise might actually answer the phone Kagami had been calling since he left back out. He silenced his voicemail and dialed again.

He was going east on Broadway, approaching 25th Street. He could see Colorado Center Park up ahead on his right and just beyond it was a cluster of cars and lights flashing blue and red. His heart stopped and, even though he was already just creeping along, he slowed down even more as he passed the scene. He sighed in relief to see no signs of Kise, but knowing Kise _could have_ been the in the midst of the accident provoked a panic in him that outstripped anything he'd experienced before. Fearing he might crash as his vision began to blur, he pulled over into an empty stretch along the kerb and put the vehicle in PARK. He inhaled deeply, counted to seven, and then exhaled slowly. After a few repetitions, he loosened his grip on the leather decked steering wheel. His breathing calmed just as he heard his own voice again.

Kagami didn't want to completely let go of the wheel. It wasn't doing him any good; it wasn't as if it could save him from the sinking feeling that this would all turn out to be for nothing. _All_ being everything from the moment he saw Kise on the scaffolding at the photo shoot to the second he lost sight of him a few hours before. _All_ being the years he'd held tight to the notion that relationships were more trouble than they were worth and how he'd never even tried to have one of his own. _All_ being the half-revelations he'd stumbled upon as he went about his day-to-day during the months after Kise had read the letter. _All_ being the knowledge that every denial, every aborted thought, and every time he blamed his parents boiled down to nothing but fear.

Of course, fear wasn't all bad; it kept you cautious and alert. Problem is, when caution and alertness bubbled over to inaction and indecision, it was well past time to reevaluate your position. Kagami wanted to resist the lure of old habits, but even with that voice now screaming for him fight, it was hard. He was confused and angry and hurt and he didn't know what to do.

The interior of the vehicle went quiet when Kagami cut his umpteenth call to his phone short and manually dialed another number.

"Hello, Stranger," Kiyoshi chirped, sounding all too carefree for the crisis Kagami was about to drag him into.

The dual notes of cheer and familiarity in Kiyoshi's voice caught Kagami off-guard. He was sure Kiyoshi didn't have the number to the phone he was calling from. Then again, Kiyoshi was likely to answer that way regardless who was calling. "It's Kagami."

"Yeah," Kiyoshi asked, now sounding curious and slightly amused. "What's this number?"

"My old phone."

"Oh. Cool. What's up?"

Kagami took a deep breath. "He's gone."

"Shit," Kiyoshi said in reply, his voice suddenly void of all humor. "When?"

"It's been a few hours. I-I don't know what to do."

"Go after him," Kiyoshi yelled.

"I did! I am! I've been driving around for hours, man. I can't find him!"

Kiyoshi's heavy sigh came through the speaker. "Okay. Sorry. Tell me what happened."

* * *

After going over the last two weeks with Kiyoshi, Kagami was still frustrated, angry, and hurt, but his panic had fizzled out. Kiyoshi pointed out that, although Kise may have still been in recovery in some ways, he wasn't some wilting flower. He was smart and quick and even though he wore evidence of some bad times along the way, he could take care of himself. That didn't stop Kagami from worrying, but he had no problem acknowledging the truth of it. Kiyoshi, as always, was incredibly supportive and completely frank, so when Kagami asked him something he'd been afraid to give any more than a fleeting moment's thought to, he bowed his head against the steering wheel, resumed his death grip, and waited for another truth.

Kiyoshi went real quiet, so quiet that Kagami wondered if the call had been disconnected. But before he could test the line, Kiyoshi sighed again. Kagami had been privy to and usually the cause of the gamut of Kiyoshi's sighs and he was pretty sure that one was more contemplative than resigned or disappointed and, therefore, promising. Only a handful of seconds passed before Kiyoshi gave him an answer.

"No," Kiyoshi started, "there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you and I don't think you're all wrong for Kise. You're hard-headed and impulsive, but you're also caring and loyal. But add that to how passionate you to get about things you've committed to, and we're dealing with a pretty heady mix, kinda overwhelming."

Kagami listened without comment because he'd heard most of it before.

"Furthermore, if you couple that with all the stuff Kise's gone through the last few years, it's a lot, you know?"

Feeling like he might know, but at the same time wondering if he knew anything at all, Kagami grunted noncommittally.

"The way I see it," Kiyoshi continued, "even with the fuzzy memories, Kise is aware that his feelings for you were unrequited for a long time. He had to live with that, you know? Just the _thought_ of that kind of strain day in and day out is exhausting. Despite that, he was able to find some semblance of normalcy. Fast forward to now and he's fallen in love with you all over again, yet this time around you feel the same way, but without being able to reconcile your shared past, he's having a really hard time moving forward."

"Okay," Kagami said, his tone hesitant. "I guess that makes sense, but he said he was scared that I wouldn't love the him from the past. And I don't get that, 'cause I'd already told him he was the same person he was before and I told him I loved him _now_. Maybe those aren't the same as his words, but the meaning's the same, right? If he doesn't see it that way, how else can I say it? I'm so fucking confused."

"Hm. Actually, even though you're miles out of your element, you're not confused, Kise is."

"Well, yeah," Kagami agreed, though the lilt in his voice suggested Kiyoshi was wasting his time with more things he already knew, things everybody knew. "His mind is like Swiss cheese. Even he says that."

Kiyoshi snickered. "Right, but that's not really what I'm talking about. Man, look. Kise's mind is all jumbled right now and while it hasn't interfered with him establishing or reestablishing his other relationships, I think you being at the emotional center of all his uncertainty is what's making things difficult."

Kagami sighed. Unlike Kiyoshi, his sighs rarely signified anything other than exhaustion or resignation. "Yeah. Okay, but why me?"

"Not to state the obvious, but he's in love with you. Like, _in love_. That's different from his friendships. Not better or worse, more or less, just different. And he's scared. I mean, he's got to be. It's not like you ever said that you've reconsidered your stance on relationships, so as far as he knows, even if you love him now, there's still no chance of you being together."

Kagami sat back. "What?! Why?!"

"Well, have you changed your mind about relationships? Last time I checked you still didn't see the point in them."

"But I want to be with Kise," Kagami said, nearly pleading.

"I don't doubt that, but what if things don't work out? What if you get together and then break up?"

"I wouldn't break up with him."

"Okay, regardless who ends it, if it ends, what are you going to do? Are you going to go back to thinking that relationships are pointless and nothing but trouble? Are you going say the fact that you broke up proves that? Or do you think you would date someone else."

Kagami felt like they were going in circles. There was a throbbing above his right eye, his traps were knotted in tension, and although he'd already let go, his hands hurt from clutching the steering wheel.

But for the clinking of glasses that could be heard the background of the bar, there was a silence that stretched between them until Kiyoshi broke through. "Well?"

"I want him. Only him." Kagami's pitch rose and cracked on the last word. "I've never wanted anyone but him."

"Never?"

"Never. I think I've always wanted him, I just didn't know."

"Or didn't want to know," Kiyoshi added. "And congrats on that revelation, but it doesn't answer my question."

"Uh, what?"

"Think about it this way: Instead of talking to you about how he was feeling, Kise ran away from you back then. In all this time, he's never resolved that problem. Those problems, rather. Whether he remembers every detail or not, something in him knows that you guys have unfinished business. Of which you being vocal about how much you don't care for romantic relationships is probably front and center."

"But Kise's different. How can he not know that?"

"Kagami, I think that's the--one of the problems. Him being different works out to you making an exception for him. Which. We'll it sounds nice, but if you are going against your grain for him, where do you think that regret or sense of frustration or even betrayal is going to be channeled to if it doesn't work out?"

"What?!" The word left Kagami with razors on. "What are you trying to say?"

Another sigh. "I'm actually trying to get _you_ to say it so that you realize what's at stake."

Kagami closed his eyes and worked to calm his rapid breathing. No matter what, he knew that Kiyoshi always had his best interest at heart, so if he needed to take a minute to understand the point Kiyoshi was trying to make and not what his anger was fashioning it into, a minute he would take.

"You were a split second from cursing me out, weren't you?"

Sometimes he was grateful Kiyoshi knew him so well and sometimes he wasn't. Kagami wasn't sure where this moment fell.

"But thank you for proving my point. In our soberest of moments, it's easy to say what we would or wouldn't do. In our heart of hearts we want to believe that we'd never bring undue harm to anyone, especially not the people we care about, but when the pain is rising to the surface, sometimes we forget."

"S-Sorry."

"I get it. Okay?"

The weariness from earlier doubled down on Kagami and for a minute he thought he should just let it overtake him, but capable or not, Kise was still out there, in the rain, hurt and scared, and Kagami knew he was partly responsible, so there would be no giving up today. "How do I--How do I fix this?"

Kiyoshi sighed again. "Like I said, there are problems, plural, so there's no do-x-then-you're-good. Listen, Kagami, you and Kise have something between you that scares the fuck out of you both. The fact that he can't keep up with the timeline of his and your emotions and that you really need to reevaluate your understanding of relationships and how you feel about them is really doing a number on, uh, let's call it your chances for advancement."

Kagami slowly straightened his back, relaxed his shoulders and placed his hands loosely on the steering wheel. "Okay. Well. Um. Where should I start?"

Kiyoshi made a noise, a sigh, of course, that sounded a lot like the kind of exhalation a person would make after finally coming to rest after a very long day. Kagami wanted to make that sound, too, but he knew he couldn't until, well, he wasn't sure when, but figured he'd know the moment when it came."

"How about you start with finding him? Have you called his phone?"

"Um, actually he has my phone and I've got his. And I've been calling and he's not answering."

"Fuck. Okay. Where you last saw him, it's walkable, right? Not like woods and meadows and mountains and shit?"

For the first time that day, Kagami laughed. Kiyoshi was patience and composure personified, so it was always interesting to see him a little on edge in a war room-like situation. It reminded Kagami that Kise meant a lot to Kiyoshi, too, so he'd want him safe as well. "No. No woods and meadows and mountains and shit."

"Shut it."

Their talk had bolstered his confidence regarding whether or not he and Kise could work, but Kagami was still unsure of how to get there, finding him aside. "What should I say when," cause he knew it was when and not if, "I find him?"

"Good question. I'm sure it's a combination of confusion and guilt fueling his decision to runaway again, to end things before they get worse."

Kiyoshi stopped talking, but Kagami knew more was coming. He couldn't imagine what was worse than what they were going through now, but with his head a little clearer and Kiyoshi's assurance that all was not doomed to fail, he engaged his wipers, put the car in DRIVE, and made his way back to Wilshire Blvd.

"So," Kiyoshi said before taking a deep breath, "the only way to move forward is to confirm his fears."

"Huh?!" The car almost came to a halt in the middle of an intersection.

"Tell Kise the truth. Tell him you haven't changed your mind about relationships."

"Why would I do that?!"

"Because it's the truth. But you also need to tell him that all of your feelings about them are rooted in fear and that you want to change that. Because you do."

There he went knowing shit again. He knew Kiyoshi was right, but, "How do I even do that?"

"You can start by not looking at your parent's relationship. I can name three others that you've been living in the middle of for some years now. Three examples of two people who are happy being with each other. Three couples who can tell you that it isn't always easy, but that it's worth it."

"Okay, but--" Kagami's words died as his heart lodged itself in his throat. The call waiting beep sounded dully from the Bluetooth audio system. "Fuck," his voice cracked. "He-He's calling!"

The last thing he heard before he tried to swap the lines was Kiyoshi yelling at him to tell the truth. His fingers trembled in anticipation, he could barely swipe the screen.

Then the words were out his mouth before he even fully registered that the new call was in play. “Where the hell are you?!”


End file.
